Every question asked of each other can be decoded as “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?”
We are sitting quietly in the living room reading the Sunday paper. Suddenly, out of the blue, she asks me what time it is. She can see I am not wearing a watch nor am I sitting near the clock. We have no plans for the day. I get irritated. “I don’t have any idea what time it is, why don’t you get up and find out for yourself,” I say, my voice dripping ice. “Gee, you don’t have to be like that, I was just asking the time,” she says. “Well why ask me, you can see I don’t have a watch on,” I respond quickly. In minutes we are having a low-level spat.
Why?
Because her question really meant “I was having a tiny twinge of insecurity and needed an excuse to reach out to you. Do you love me?” Because every question, every time we reach out towards the other, for what appears to be a superficial reason, really means “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?”
And my question, in response to her question, really meant “Do you love me?”, and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?” Forgetting to decode that she was asking me to reaffirm our connection, I got irritated and then I needed to reaffirm our connection.
My answer really meant, “I was having a twinge of not feeling honored or respected, and now I need to reassure myself that you love me. But that’s too vulnerable right now, so here comes my sarcasm to hide behind.”
If I knew that every question, every time we reach out towards the other, for whatever superficial reason, really means “Do you love me?”, and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?” then I might have answered her “You really love me don’t you?” And she might have said, “Yes, yes I do very much.” And I might have said, “I love you, too.” And probably neither of us would have worried about the time.
By Chas August, HAI Facilitator
