What is Shame? Where does it come from? Why do we feel it? How can I free myself from the paralyzing effect of my shame?
Let’s start with some defining. Shame is an emotion (or feeling), and emotions are fundamentally not rational. That is to say, emotions are not derived from logic or reasoning. While thoughts may trigger feelings and thoughts may change feelings, the feelings themselves are not thoughts.
One way to describe feelings is to talk about behaviors and thoughts associated with them:
- Physical behaviors that are usually associated with shame include blushing, averting our eyes, hiding our face, shrinking our shoulders, and more.
- Some of the thoughts associated with shame include the desire to disappear or die, the thought that we are going to be cast out or disowned, the belief that we deserve punishment or castigation, are unworthy, and more.
How We Process Shame
As I understand current psychological theory, the capacity for experiencing shame is wired into our brains, along with the capacity to experience anger, fear, pain, sadness, regret, joy, love, well-being, etc. It is part of what it means to be a person.
In other words, all human beings are capable of experiencing shame. In all humans’ first years, we begin exploring our feelings in a variety of ways. In the toddler, these feelings are experienced without judgments about whether they are good or bad.
As we interact with our parents and siblings we begin to observe that they have judgments attached to feelings, and expect us to learn these associations. Mothers not only express their anger but also communicate that the toddler should feel ashamed.
- “You shouldn’t hit your sister. That was bad.”
- “Shame on you for not sharing your toys with your friend.”
- “I’m very disappointed with your behavior.”
The message we get is that some of our behaviors and thoughts render us unacceptable or unlovable. So we attach shame to those thoughts and behaviors. We internalize the “shoulds” and “should nots.”
Some of this shame-attachment is unquestionably useful to us. Healthy shame helps us to create ourselves as responsible beings with a sense of integrity. We begin to develop a code of behavior towards ourselves and others. It is useful to learn to feel ashamed when, unprovoked, we deliberately hurt someone else, when we steal, or cheat, or lie. The shame feeling can reinforce a decision to not do that behavior again, which ultimately benefits us.
Much of this shame attachment is more ambiguous. While it is useful to learn that there are inappropriate times to show our naked bodies to others, it is not useful, and perhaps harmful, to grow up feeling ashamed of our bodies. And making this distinction to a child requires persistence and patience, as well as a belief that being ashamed of our bodies is not good.
Often the messages we receive about what is shameful are passed along to us by our parents from messages they got from their parents, etc. It reminds me of the story of the holiday ham. There was a family gathering for one of the holidays, and 4 generations of women were all present. The youngest little girl was helping in the kitchen. Watching her mother prepare a ham for dinner, she observed her mother cutting the ends off the ham. Being a curious child she asked why her mother did this. Mother thought for a moment, then replied that she didn’t know exactly why. Cutting the ends was how her mother had taught her. So they both turned to Grandma, hoping she would explain. But Grandma shook her head in wonder and explained that this was the way her mother had taught her to prepare a ham. All three then went to Great-Grandma, who was sitting in the other room. “Why,” the little one asked, “do you cut the ends of the ham off before you cook it?” Great-Grandma smiled and replied that in her old kitchen they had only had a very small oven and so the ham needed to be trimmed to fit inside.
Something useful, but largely unnecessary in most circumstances, had been generalized and passed down unconsciously from generation to generation. The same is true with body shame.
Bringing Shame to the Light
Left untreated, generalized shame can eat away at our self-esteem and sense of self-worth. This shame hurts or destroys our ability to create satisfying intimate relationships. This shame gets in the way of us knowing what we feel or want. And often, we experience the negative effects without consciously knowing that shame is the problem.
The first step in dealing with our shame is recognizing it. Each time you feel shame stop and pay attention to it. Each time you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about something, call it shame and notice how you feel about being ashamed:
- Is your shame appropriate?
- Is your shame useful in this particular moment?
- Is there any good reason for you to feel ashamed?
- Who’s voice is that, inside your head, telling you that you should feel ashamed?/li>
Often just asking yourself these kinds of questions, just shining a light on the shame, will have the feeling move and leave you more at choice.
The next step is to experience your shame feelings as a cry for love. Attached to these shame feelings is a belief that we are now unlovable, unfit for human company, unacceptable. The fear of rejection from our close others is a universal, and often paralyzing experience. When we are paralyzed, like in fight or flight, we have less access to our range of choices for response.
The moment we are aware of these kinds of thoughts and feelings is the moment to say to ourselves, in the most loving voice we can find: “I really love you” or “I love you unconditionally.” Say it to your reflection in a mirror. Say it to your image of your inner child. Say it in the voice of your father or mother. Say it silently or speak the words out loud. And repeat it until you begin to feel grounded again.
A third step is to create a declaration or affirmation for yourself to supersede the shame programming. Every day, for at least 30 days in a row, declare what you choose to be true, to yourself in a mirror. “I’m proud of being a sexy, gorgeous person and I love sex!” “My body is a beautiful temple.” “I deserve to feel pleasure.” Reprogram your mind to get rid of the toxic legacy and give yourself the belief system that serves you.
Three steps: Recognize and accept what you’re feeling; Consciously love yourself; Affirm a new belief to replace the old.
By Chas August, HAI Facilitator