The Fine Art of Surrendering to Love
by Stan Dale
It seems that no sooner does one finally get to a place where s/he believes s/he can finally rest from the “Quest” when someone, such as myself, comes up with another challenge. And that, dear reader, is exactly what I have for you: a challenge to surrender.
“Surrender”, I hear you saying with an incredulous tone of disbelief in your voice. “Surrender”, say I. After all these years of fighting the good fight to regain your power and potency from those you surrendered to in your youth, you are now being offered the option of true potency—surrender. Let me explain.
First, we must know exactly what is meant by surrender before we can truly do it. It is not “to give up possession of, on demand or under duress,” which is the first definition stated in the Random House Dictionary. It is not even definition number 2 in the same reference book, “to abandon or relinquish hope.” Definition number 3 comes a bit closer, “to give oneself up.” As a matter of fact, it would help a bit more if we stated a few of the other definitions Webster uses; such as, “to agree to forgo” or “to give oneself up unto the power of another.” If we look at the synonyms: such as, yield, relinquish, or capitulate, it would be like fine-tuning a radio signal or using the adjusting screw on a microscope to see what isn’t readily visible:
Yield = to cease resistance or contention
Relinquish = to let go of
Capitulate = to cease resisting, to negotiate
It boils down to two words: Let Go!
For a person to be truly potent, they must be truly vulnerable, and to be truly vulnerable, one must let go… surrender.
Now that we have used the microscope and the radio’s fine tuning knob, let us pull back once again and, this time, use the wide lens to see the larger picture.
First, any love relationship (whether with one delicious other or with a planet full) must have a firm philosophical foundation. Without that foundation it would be like constructing a building on quicksand—risky business, to say the least. However, most relationships not only do not have a philosophical base, but seem to revel in the illusion that the quicksand is just about ready to enter the nostrils. I see so many relationships crumble the moment one of the partners does or says something the other cannot stand. No philosophical base!
I intensely dislike many things some of the people I’m in relationship with do, but I love them, and… I have a strong philosophical base that holds back the quicksand. Having no base equals a dead or dying relationship.
What does a philosophical base have to do with surrender, you ask? Well, surrender is my philosophical base—surrender of the potent kind, not surrender with a bayonet at my back.
Following the above definitions of surrender, I let go of having to be right, let go of my position. I yield. I relinquish. I capitulate. I give myself up to the power of the other person, knowing that they would never do anything deliberately to hurt me. If you don’t know that about your relationship, why are you wasting valuable time with that person?
When I establish a relationship with someone, I immediately take the stand that I will honor and cherish them. I will treat them with dignity, respect, understanding, and trust. I will surrender to them, get off having to be right, and get off resisting them.
If there is something I very much want and it looks to me that merely asking won’t deliver, I negotiate. However, I usually negotiate without having an investment in the outcome—intention without investment. I have let go. I have surrendered to my loved one. I have said to my beloved, “I love you so much. I trust and revere you so much, I know that you love me so much; therefore I give my heart to you for safekeeping.”
Only a person coming from a potent philosophical base can do something that risky without being in perpetual fear of their heart being stepped on or crushed. Rather, I am so sure of my beloved that I know my heart will be in better shape than when I placed it in his or her care.
How do I know? The same way I know the sun is always shining, even when it is dark and raining. I also have made that decision, and it is my choice to love, to surrender, to trust. No one can make that decision for me, and no one can force me to do so. That is why I say that surrender is for the potent—for only the potent can make the decision to give their heart to another and trust that it is in safekeeping.
That brings up trust. Trust is the bedrock that your philosophical platform is to be built upon. Trust is the cement that holds it all together, and trust is simply the absence of negative thoughts/fantasies, vis-a-vis, fear. Trust is the bedrock of all relationships.
First, I must trust myself. If I don’t trust myself, how can I ever trust you? If I don’t love myself, how can I ever love you? If I can’t surrender to you and let go, how can I ever expect you will do likewise.
If all of the above sounds difficult and impossible, I beg you to stop your thoughts and your actions. I beseech you! If you don’t and you are not willing, then what hope is there for a world free of conflict? For only in direct proportion to each person’s willingness to love, surrender, and trust will there be any individual and planetary peace.
To assist in making surrender less difficult, I have devised a few simple steps for you to follow:
Sit in a quiet place for a period of time—not less than 15 minutes—and envision your beloved. Do nothing else. Feel the feelings that are evoked by this process.
Take a pencil and paper and record all the above feelings. What about him/her makes you feel gooshy, good, delicious, warm? What, if anything, makes you feel resentful, angry, frustrated, or mad? Write all of the above in as much detail as possible.
Now envision your beloved when you were first attracted to them and record if any of the feelings have changed since the beginning. If so, do you think you can rectify the situation? What went wrong? Jot down all of the above in as much detail as possible. Don’t leave out a single thought or feeling.
Envision what it would look like if you could create the ideal relationship. See you and your partner in the ideal setting, looking at each other the way lovers do. Actually hear yourselves talking with each other in the way that would be ideal. How does it sound?
Now write down everything you possibly can from Step 4. What were the words spoken? What did your ideal relationship look like? What was the setting you envisioned?, etc.
Now ask your beloved to do the same. The reason you are to do it first is to establish a psychic space for the other to do the exercise freely in his/her own space away from you. Do not share anything you have done at this time.
Together, without talking about anything that took place in the above exercise, talk about what surrender looks like to each of you. Ask the questions, “Would you be willing to surrender to me for the period of one month? If so, what would that month look like to you? If not, why not? Is there a possibility that you could trust me for that period of time, knowing that I would never do or say anything deliberately to hurt you?” (Write down all of the questions, answers, and statements of the above so that they will act as your guideline for the future experiment.)
At this point, sit with your loved one in silence and think about your first meeting. What turned you on? What, if anything, turned you off about each other?
As with a computer, see if there is some way you can cancel out any of the negatives that showed up and insert whatever would make it a totally positive picture?
Toss a coin to see who will go first, unless one of you has a burning desire to go first, and then the person who wins the toss surrenders totally to their partner for a period of one month. It usually takes a month before all the glitches can be worked out and a pattern develops. At the end of that month you and your partner reverse roles.
Some Absolute Rules
You must always remember that this is strictly an exercise, an experiment, and if it doesn’t fit or work for one or the other, you can always stop the experiment. However, it is recommended that you tough it out for at least two months, with one of you surrendering the first month and the other the second. Surely you can do a sixty-day experiment, knowing that the outcome has to be beneficial for you both.
Actually, this is most important, during this period of time neither of you will be punitive to the other in any way. Period!
During this experiment, if it looks to either of you, at any time, that you have come to an impasse, call a mediator as soon as possible.
Bless and honor each other for taking on an experiment that, unfortunately, most people would never even attempt, for any reason.
Remember, your philosophical platform of surrender with dignity, respect, understanding of needs, wants and desires, and trust will help support both of you during any short-term crisis.
(NOTE: Throughout this entire article I wrote as if this endeavor was for dyads only. Not true. This process can be used by any number. The guidelines and rules are identical.)
Well, here we are, explorers of inner space. Another opportunity for you, and all humanity, to benefit by another awareness and exercise in pure potency. Potency that empowers you, and everyone else; because, when you are potent, you provide the space for me to be likewise. When you and I are potent, The Hundredth Monkey is only a short step away. Then, and only then, will humanity move to the next level of pure sovereignty for all; where no one would ever think that they had the right or power to violate you in any way. For that sovereignty is the God or Goddess in you, which I honor, and to whom I surrender.
Have fun! Love is the only answer! What’s the question?
“If God wanted to hide, God would hide in human beings because that is the last place we would think to look!” – Ancient Adage